Random ramblings - part 1

Why must I always have cool titles for each post? Have decided to chuck whatever little formality that formed a minuscule part of this blog till date. Stuff that needs jotting down right now, falls under ‘random ramblings’.

THE husband has stated he will sue me. He thinks that am gaining popularity by making fun of him and other such fellows. I have no idea what he is referring to as “popularity”. Since I am clueless about the ‘catch phrase’, I will not react. But seriously God, when will he finally grow up?

Eye opener of the quarter:

Last Sunday, THE husband’s, Distant Friend visited. As I approached DF’s car parked outside (we were to pick up few stuff before the drunken evening started), the whispering got louder. HUSBAND and DF looked sheepish; highly suspicious behaviour, if you ask me! Well, it turned out that the discussion was on:

a)      What should Mr. DF gift his wife on her birthday which was like less than a week away?

b)      Whether they should seek my expert help?

c)      Will I end up informing the lady that her husband has decided to seek external help in selecting a gift for his wife of 5 years?

After some debate (women can never keep secrets type silly conversation) they decided to rope me in. Incidentally, Mr. DF was roaming aimlessly for the last 1 hour trying to think of a gift; THE husband was very sympathetic. So now I know what men do while zeroing in on a gift; they expect an apple to hit them on the head while the aimless walk is on, so that they can have their own ‘eureka” moment!

We all landed up at the nearby mall, to select gift for wifey. Post discussion, conferencing, dilly-dallying, finally the gift was purchased.

Mr. DF asked skeptically, “Will she be impressed”. Fair enough, one can feel little jittery.

THE husband’s famous rejoinder, “Oh, she must be already impressed with you, otherwise shaadi hi kyun ki?’

OH-MY-GOD! Does, he think I married and am still in the marriage because I am ‘impressed’ with him? Really?

Irrelevant but interesting episode:

A school teacher friend was in an extremely important session with her students appearing for their 10^th board exams. She realized that there were five missed call from her husband. A trifle worried, she excused herself, went out to call back.

H – “I felt like going a little late to office”, on picking up her call.

W - “Is that why you called me”?

H- “Nah, I went to the market and got some keema which you can cook for dinner.”

W – “Is this the reason I have 5 missed calls?”

H – “Err, no..I called to tell you, I have kept the keema in the freezer”.

She was so exasperated, that apparently she was speechless for next 2 minutes. She was sounding exasperated even while narrating this high IQ conversation! Where are you supposed to keep keema that you brought home at 10.30 am which will be cooked only in the evening? In the living room sofa? Or, maybe the window sill where you have some potted plants? The bookshelf is not a bad idea either!!

Bye for now, while you think of better alternatives.J

In Sickness and in Health:)

A close friend had once narrated an anecdote.

Once long back, her mom was diagnosed with some illness which required complete bed rest. The doctor and the elders in the family had advised her happy-go-lucky dad to take leave from work, stay at home for a couple of days and look after her. The well meaning advice backfired. Happy at getting leave from work out of the blue, Mr. Dad went ahead got himself crates of beer and called the friends who were available on a weekday to give him company. Besides creating ruckus with his male bonding act, he also managed to irritate aunty by waking her up from her medicine induced sleep every hour to ask “you are doing fine, right?” He would then vanish before she could muster a reply!

Her mom had finally bolted the bedroom door from inside after being woken up thrice and the next day she freaked at the doctor and her mother-in-law who promptly took back their earlier advice and uncle was requested to “not look after aunty” and get back to work with immediate effect the very next day!

We had all laughed hysterically on her dad’s twisted Florence Nightingale act! Little did I envision at that point, that once married I will land in similar territory.

What is it with men and tending to the sick? Why are they so completely at a loss? I am sure they mean well, just that while executing the kindness, somehow they land up doing exactly what is NOT required. Let me share my own very recent anecdote.

Last Friday, 8.00pm IST:

Being unable to walk for last 2 weeks because of swollen feet accompanied by excruciating pain, I finally decided to take medical help. The GP + the ortho (two different docs, if you please) asked me to get a series of tests done. One of them was to check RA (rheumatoid arthritis) factor. Being a Google addict; on reaching home post check up and tests, I promptly read up on RA and discovered that it is incurable and although medicines do regulate the pain, one basically lives with pain and side effects caused by the medication rest of his/ her life.

Overall, not present a pretty picture, at all.

I pondered about this and visualized myself as a stick/crutch dependent person, shunned by society, not able to work, in dire consequences etc (my imagination has a habit of running wild) and since there was nothing else to do except croak in pain, I decided to get depressed.

Suitably depressed, I rang the HUSBAND. On hearing my grief /panic stricken voice on phone, he for once did not say something irrelevant (Ex- I forgot to have my lunch today; I just saw two MIG’s flying over my tech park etc. Yes they are not co-related AT ALL, but then you don’t know my husband).

He actually came back home early to offer me his shoulders to cry on.  Pouring himself a large peg, he advised that till we actually find out what is wrong, it is no use getting worried. Logical and sensible advice, after all the evening had just begun.  My pain was manageable at that point.

The second drink, of course brought out the emotion. He claimed that no matter what happens to me, he will be there. He also assured full support on behalf of our fat four legged friend. Furry friend of course, looked the other way round and yawned, he did not seem very keen on supporting me in my illness.

Then as the third drink made its way, he mentioned that science is taking giant leaps, a possible cure will definitely find its way in the next couple of years. Which effectively meant that by then even he believed that I may be in for some trouble which totally contradicted his statement post drink No. 1.

By then the pain had increased manifold and I decided to have my dinner.

By the time the fourth drink was over, I had dozed off. I was tired and sick and wanted to sleep it off. I was suddenly shaken awake; THE Husband looking at me with a confused expression. Anyone who has had four large pegs in quick succession knows the expression I am referring to.

And I was informed, “I think I am little high, can you please serve me dinner?”

There you go! Who was ill? Who needed looking after? Who needed TLC? Who should have served whom dinner? These thought provoking questions never get a satisfactory answer; my friend….and life goes on.

PS:

At the Hospital though, we were confronted with a different side of the coin.

A couple was sitting with their back towards us waiting for the same doctor. The woman kept whining that her shopping time cannot be compromised on. The man replied “I have never stopped you from going out”. Woman cribbed, “But you promised you will accompany me”. Man sighed; deep, sad sigh. And then as they got up to leave, we realized that the guy in question had crepe bandage over his ankle. The HUSBAND stated gravely, “Man, having a wife who insists that you accompany her for a shopping spree while semi limping is a real sad situation.”

Was that the moment of truth/ acknowledgment that there are real pain-in-the-wrong-place kind of wives on this planet and that he is lucky NOT to be associated with one?

I am yet to know.

PPS: Oh by the way, in spite of four pegs he was up on time the next day to accompany me to the doctor.

Why Don Juan will never make a good husband!

FYI: This blog is not an online version of ‘comedy store’. Seriously! I have been getting feedback that junta is finding it funny, LMAO, ROFL etc. You know how everyone talks in acronyms these days, which if you ask me is very weird. Anyways, the point I am trying to make is this is a forum to discuss and decode a very, very serious topic like ‘marriage’.

Do read the rest of the entries with a somber expression! At least try. I mean if you guys can’t take something like marriage seriously, what hope is left!!

LOL. Now that I am done, let’s proceedJ

An old friend visited earlier this week. We were meeting face-to-face after a long period and hence there was a lot of gossip that needed trading.

Conversation veered to old friends who are still unmarried. Yes, we sounded like protagonists from Ekta Kapoor stable; discussing very aunty-like, boring and nothing-better-to-do-with-life topic. I admit, am a bit embarrassed to broach the subject but definitely not ashamed, mind you. While at it we realized that all the common friends who are nearing mid 30’s (God, we are indeed getting OLD) and are single and available and not happy with the single status are the ones who always had a penchant for the quasi Don Juan types.

They somehow had this tremendous self belief that they could convert Mr. Cool-and-wild to Mr. Responsible-and-domestic. Nadan bacche! I am not being patronizing; I truly think that it was one of their biggest miscalculations while they got into one relationship after another presuming it to be the “THE ONE”.

Description of Quasi DJ: suave, charming, kind of intelligent, well dressed, well read (some are), earns enough dough to take GF’s for dinner/ lunch at fancy places, some are fancier and actually offers international vacations, tad bit over protective (at least they definitely enact that part) can flirt, a little wild side to them, drives car/ bikes faster than usual, thrives on being impulsive, experimental in bed etc etc. In a nutshell, lots of qualities to sweep you of your feet!

Point is, while these types may seem very attractive during ‘dating’ phase, they invariably back out when it comes to finally tying the knot. Various reasons – commitment phobia, hypocritical, does not have the balls to stand by their decision are a few that I can think of, right now.

I know quite a few, who eventually stated while dumping their GF’s that while going around with girl / s who are smart, attractive, a lil wild on the side like them was fun,  but ‘shaadi ke liye to papa-mummy ke choice ko bhi include karma chahiye’. Papa-Mummy of course had a very different idea of what ‘bahu’ should be like. Tch, tch. Unfortunately, by the time this wisdom struck these guys, the girl in question was already heartbroken. Of course, there are a few who went ahead and got married but more often than not news of their still being wild and attending convenient business meetings at wee hours in the night in the company of women does its rounds! Bigger joke is that their wives actually pretend to believe them!! And it not hearsay, I actually personally know such couples.

Looking back, my selection criterion for my first boyfriend was – tattoos, bike and well...he did have a noticeably good physique. I was 21 and one has every right to be vain and like guys because they look delicious. But never in my dreams did I think of marrying him. OMG, he was nice, sweet, bought me chocolates etc but very irresponsible. Trust me, even he used to admit he is irresponsible! And that is a hell of a criterion while one selects a husband. You may want a hot guy as your husband but you would rather if he is responsible!

What we both concluded is that there needs to be different criterion for selecting a boyfriend vis-à-vis husband. And unfortunately a doting boyfriend does not always convert himself into a doting husband. I agree it is the IDEAL situation, but alas ideal seldom takes place in real life. Women need to get a grasp and understand that while making choices they need to be a bit more practical.

Our respective husbands may be a bit of a goofball, semi forgetful (does confuse birthdays, anniversary etc), refuses to go for a manicure (in other words not always well groomed) and have given up riding bikes (except while visiting Goa) but well….they are around when needed. And yes, they do remember to pay the electricity and phone bills on time and does massage your feet if you are terribly fatigued at the end of the day, albeit with a sulk!

So here is our pearl of wisdom. Girls have fun, while in your 20s. Be with the Don Juans, let them woo you, check out ‘how to have fun” road. But know when to back out. Life is not about “Lived happily ever after”. Life is about making choices that help you lead a meaningful life. So if you want a regular marriage (watching TV in the evening, going grocery shopping over the weekends etc) then opt for the sensible, responsible men in your circle. Don’t keep waiting trying to convert Mr Juan to someone he cannot be. Learn to move on, there is definitely someone who may not be able to fulfill all your crazy fantasies but will definitely try to make you happy in his own way!

*********

The Gift (Not of the Magi!)

During a particular period every year, THE husband looks stressed; very stressed in fact. His frowns deepen (he does frown from time to time; it enhances his personality!) and he goes into period of deep meditative silence (he is anyways the silent, thoughtful type). I even get suspicious looks from time to time as if I am responsible for all recent terror attacks.

No, it has nothing to do with his yearly appraisals or annual health check ups of immediate family members including him. And I presume you did not take that terror attack line seriously anyways.

It is that time of the year when there is a week or at the most 2 weeks left to my birthday!

Finally and invariably he asks the boring question of the year, “So well, umm…what is it that you would like as a birthday gift?”

And at that precise point I start looking stressed.

I mean why? Why cannot men guess through some infra red ray or whatever jargon these sci-fi thrillers mention that can transmit my wish list from my mind to his? My women friends never ask me these questions, they always KNOW! Yes, they remember the lovely lilac bag I wistfully looked at while window shopping 6 months back; if not lilac they at least aim for a similar shade. That’s what you call the art of gifting. Remembering what is required and making it a point to acquire it. Not like some task that has to be done.

Most of my guy friends and that includes THE husband has this whole “Let’s look at this as a compulsory boring activity” approach to birthday gifts. And no, they really don’t mind if you do not remember their birthdays or don’t get them a gift. The worrying part is they expect similar behaviour from you!

A very, very close guy friend (he was nearly as close as a girl friend, so you will understand why I was so disappointed in him) once got me a packet of Ferrero Rocher as my birthday gift. Really, how unimaginative can one get! I absolutely hate those chocolates! I was so mad at him for being so predictable. And no, please don’t expect me to understand and appreciate his gesture etc. I really do not care that “so many unfortunate souls do not have birthday presents”; on certain occasions especially like that of my birthday, I can be very selfish. Okay self centered. That sounds so much better!

Look, like all regular 18 -20 year olds I have read enough Femina, Cosmoplitan and other ‘women centric’ (whatever that means) magazines while spending time at the salon or while waiting for a train etc. Yes, at college, I used to travel by train post vacation back to mad-fun hostel life! In these magazines THE husband always springs a surprise; and here I am referring to the good, caring type husbands. They plan a secret gala party of take their wife to some exotic locale and have the best champagne under moonlight. Come on, you guys watch TV; not only women centric magazines but even regular ‘homo sapiens centric’ advertisements showcase these ideal scenarios.

So every year I am asked the same question and every year I get cheesed off and say, “Never mind, since you cannot even think/ remember what I want”.

At that point an argument breaks out and last two years it has been resolved in the form of “Lets go for a vacation somewhere”. Yes, I have even been taken on a vacation in December and told that this is a belated birthday gift. My birthday is in August for God’s sake, how belated can one get?

 I must give some credit though; in 2010 the lovely, blissful sea side vacation actually happened in SeptemberJ

Few of my married women friends, the ones who have been married for more than five years have given up hope on exotic presents. They are elated if their birthdays are remembered at all! Situation is so bad, that someone I know last year bought her own gift, asked the shop guys to wrap it nicely and keep it and then sent a sms to her husband reminding him to pick the gift up!

This weekend, someone who was referred by someone came to showcase few beautiful sarees. I do wear them occasionally and I was gifted a few earlier this year by while I visited relatives in Calcutta. Hence, I was clear in my mind that I don’t need another one, but well since he was referred I agreed to check his collection. Enters, THE husband. He absolutely insists that I must buy one. “That one and this one looks good; very classy..why don’t you check them etc etc?”

 It was surreal! Why was this fellow suddenly taking so much interest in checking sarees and nearly forcing me to buy one? Okay, so I did like one in particular and gave in to cajoling – both from my husband and the saree seller. And then, something even more strange happened. The husband insisted that he will gift this to me. Why this sudden excitement in giving me a gift? Mostly he gets into selective hearing mode whenever we discuss gifts.

And then, later that evening it hit me. On being asked point blank, he said with a casual shrug, “This opportunity was God sent. Now, I don’t have to bother about what to gift you for your birthday”.

Task completed for 2011.

My early Christmas wish: ‘Dear lord, let some brilliant publishing house bring out a Men’s magazine where they dedicate one less page to cars and instead have advice on “15 exotic gifts to give your wife on her birthday and make her feel special”. I will definitely gift a copy to THE husband!

JLT -1 (For the uninitiated it stands for Just Like That !)

Went to see a new born baby today, four hours post her arrival on this planet. I was very excited. The last time I saw such a tiny baby was when my one of my nieces was born and that was twenty years back. The child had such cute, toy shaped hands and feet. They were pink in colour and perfectly formed.

Guess what The Husband did entire time we were in the fancy cabin where mom and baby was? He fiddled with his new phone. His logic on being reprimanded can-you-stop staring-at-the-damn phone was “This is new; I still need to understand a few features”. Dude, the baby is new too; did we not go all the way to see her?  How can a mobile be more interesting than a new doll like baby?

Men, if you ask me, are pretty weird!

Since I am on the ‘men are weird’ state of mind, let me discuss another incident. Few days back, I was unwell. My BFF was running high fever, so she called to chat and feel better. Well, you must be aware that talking and simultaneously giggling with your soul sister can immediately make your day better, no matter how sick you feel inside. So we both tried that therapy to cure ourselves. Once done with the half an hour (ONLY) conversation, I called The Husband to remind him of something. I did mention in the passing that not only me, but even my best friend has been feeling unwell. It was just one of those not-really-important-but-you-still-mention-it kinda statements. Guess, what the reaction was?

“You have no clue how badly I have hurt my hand while lifting so-and-so thing sometime back”. Let me tell you, this is not a one off instance, every time you mention that you are unwell, instead of empathy what comes in your direction is ‘my situation is worse than yours’ sulk. I of course did my ‘Oh-ho, you must take proper care blah blah’ mommy act and disconnected the call earlier than I wanted to. And then, promptly called back my BFF and we giggled heartily over men and how they never show signs of growing up!

For God's sake, get up, stand up!

‘Get up, stand up: stand up for your rights!

 Get up, stand up: don't give up the fight’

                           - Bob Marley

What is with men and violence? And with women who want to play the victim? Seriously, can’t either of them get a life?

A friend recently mailed me a link; one of those forwards where people want you to be a part of a movement by clicking on the link and showing your unconditional (well, whatever) support. So this cause, is for a deceased lady who was a resident of some fairly up-market place in Gurgaon who seems to have either committed suicide or was forced to do so by her philandering husband and indifferent-to-her-woes in-laws.

By Jove, this is an educated, working, woman-of-the-world person we are talking about; not the dozens of women who languish in remote parts of our country, who neither have an education nor means to support themselves and hence has no choice but to put up with mental, emotional, sexual abuse in a marriage. What left my mouth agape was when one has the option to support oneself (maybe not grandly but yes one can definitely manage a basic accommodation and three meals) by working, and in this case the lady had a job which means she was capable of earning her own living, then why was she taking shit from her husband for the last few years?

Why not walk out on a marriage that is anyway full of abuse? Why wait for a loser who is anyway disrespecting you by conducting an affair while being married to you and adding physical violence to the marriage and generally behaving like an oaf? Is it not obvious to these women that their husbands are not going to turn back and become the ideal husband; someone who can kick you, beat you and cheat on you was never an ideal human being in the first place, forget being an ideal husband.

And then, there is always the classic argument put forth by a whole lot of women who are in an abusive marriage. “How can I get out of the marriage, my child needs a balanced environment”; dude in an ‘environment’ where dad is hitting mom or insulting her in various other innovative / age old ways, how can any child grow up ‘balanced’?

Alas, feminism, it seems has not been able to teach what it was meant to. I can empathize with women who were burnt at the stake in the name of Sati or the ones who are still being killed in the name of honour/ dowry etc. But seriously, isn’t it time women stopped whining and started taking concrete steps to combat abuse hurled at them? Why keep pining for help from others? What about self help?

However, not all is lost, it seems.

Two weeks back, I and my husband spent 3 hours running between a local police station, our home and that of one of my friend’s. She had already filed for divorce and that particular evening, her soon-to-be-ex-husband landed up at her apartment, broke open the door and physically assaulted her. He has an anger management issue and there have been a couple of nasty situations in their marriage earlier too. Then one fine day, she just decided that it is indeed enough and went ahead and took a call to go their separate way. Yes, she has been feeling low (no one I know was ecstatic while filing for divorce), things looked very bleak, she does not have family or close friends living in the same city hence is more vulnerable emotionally, but then one cannot go on depending on others to fight their own wars. So yes, some of the women are finally taking a stand and sticking to it; truly admirableJ

I strongly feel that it is high time for women all across the globe specifically India, to wake up from their victimhood slumber. High time they took control of their life in their own hands and realize that one of the damn important ingredients that helps one become a good wife and a mother is to have ‘self respect’ – a good dose of it. Oh and by the way, women who have self respect are not the same as women with ‘ego’ and ‘attitude problem’!

The unromantic evening

Day before yesterday was Sunday. It started as same shit. You know, breakfast kaun banayga (we have this discussion with the same end result every damn time; me getting irritated and doing it rather than wasting any more time), whether we should call on some common friend whose house is so damn far that we have been avoiding the house visit last few months, whose turn it is to take clothes out from washing machine for drying  etc. This saga of normal, routine, urbane, boring Sunday continued till say 5ish. 

And then something wonderful happened.

It started raining. And suddenly me and THE husband were back to being the fun friends we used to be. We giggled and chatted while having coffee in the porch, took silly pictures of our four legged child who was so very bored with photoshoot and then we decided that it was time for some more adventure.

Out came our sneakers and scraves and windcheaters and we sauntered on to the nearby market. Roamed, faffed and bought charcoal roasted, lime and kadha coated 'bhutta' (corn) and took a walk in the rain....holding hands and sharing the bhutta. Dahi papdi chat and kachoris followed. Basically all the yum snacks that has been missing from our lives:)

Flowers exchanged hands too - white zebras for the glass vase that I adore and my Sunday was not boring anymore!

I realized that one does not need candle light dinners, couple spa's and the sundry other boring nonsense the Femina's of the world prescribe for a "good couple time". One just has to be spontaneous and look for fun in everyday things. And you can turn a regular boring Sunday into a fun filled 'great couple time' one!

FYI: The kadha for great bhutta experience is made out of mixing dhaniya chutney, pudhina, mirchi and adrakh in right proportions. Its one killer combo. Must try when it rains again:)